How to develop a sense of self?

It’s the end of another Covid year.  A lot of us have experienced anxiety ourselves or have watched our loved ones being anxious about their health or future. What holds us steady in line when faced with uncertainty?

We can work on ourselves including our physical and mental health to cope with the demands of the current times. We can surrender to a higher awareness such as God and believe that that will guide us.  Surrender itself may not be to a God , it could be a surrender of the ego – to be synchronised with what we are called to be or to do by the universe or the collective consciousness. There is work to be done beyond physical and mental health to be able to let go of the ego driven fears and surrender to the idea that that we are just a part of the whole and the part may or may not affect the whole, however, the whole can guide the part to come alive with the whole. I term this internal work as figuring out our sense of self.

To live a life that is testimony to our best capabilities and express ourselves as part of the whole, we need to figure out who we are as a part. For some, it might come naturally in their 20s and for many others, it requires some personal growth. Knowing who you are, not just in terms of your skills and talents, but, also, in terms of your values – both current and aspired, and living in sync with your purpose and dharma (duty based on your life context) holds you steady even when the external life winds are turbulent.

“When your sense of self is no longer tied to thought, is no longer conceptual, there is a depth of feeling, of sensing, of compassion, of loving, that was not there when you were trapped in mental concepts. You are that depth”

Eckhart Tolle

Traits of a strong sense of self:

• To be brutally honest about oneself (the good, the bad and ugly)
• To understand one’s own emotions – the sniffles, the snorts, the smiles 
• To be comfortable with who we are and in our own skin
• To take accountability for who we are – what makes us throw off balance, who we choose to be in our darkest hours
• To be transparent about who we are – less dissonance with who we are internally and what we project externally
• To be rooted, to have integrity  and not to lose self at the near sight of misery 
• To be committed to find one’s own happiness 
• To have the capacity to acknowledge others – to show kindness, empathy, respect , love

A lot of emphasis is put on emotional self-awareness these days, yet there is not enough emphasis on taking accountability for how we feel and how we react. It is popular to put the onus on others for making us feel a certain way or making us react in a certain way. The triggers are internal and the longer it takes for us to reconcile with internal triggers, the quicker we are to allow external words or actions to stimulate those triggers. A symptom of a lack of accountability is blaming others for how we feel or react. If you are over 25, it is not your parents or your children’s or your spouse’s responsibility to make you happy or to solve your inner turmoils. They can only guide you or support you in your journey. You have to do the heavy lifting yourself.

What does taking accountability look like?

It looks like owning up to our behaviours/reactions. It looks like owning up to our actions including failures or mistakes. It looks like taking responsibility for our personal growth and not waiting for rescue.  If we are suffering physiologically by lack of water, food, shelter or by sickness, the others owe us basic help that they can afford. If we are inflicting suffering on ourselves by our thought patterns, the others do not owe us empathy or kindness or love. Empathy, kindness, love, compassion are gifts that are given to us. We can receive them humbly when we get them. We cannot demand for them. 

By taking accountability for our own growth, we can start to let go of our fears and reconcile our unmet needs and transform to resonate at a frequency that reflects our highest potential.

To be rooted, to have integrity.. 

The other trait that needs more emphasis is being rooted and having integrity. Often, religiosity gives a framework to anchor oneself. However, human mind is prone to despair easily and uproots itself when misery strikes. In the modern world, we orient towards creating our own foundation to be anchored than relying on what is culturally passed on as a belief system. How do we create a foundation that is strong? We need to form a value system that is not just in words, but alive in our decisions and actions. We need to think through what is important for us, not from a material need or desire of the ego, but from our personal growth needs, to be able to connect deeper to what one might call as an inner spirit or soul. We need to trust the formed value system to guide us when misery strikes. To be able to listen to our inner voice, we need to sometimes step outside of our own narrative and observe if our thoughts and behaviours reflect the values that we hold as important. 

I have personally found a way to listen to my inner voice in moments of self-reflection, introspection and meditation. If the inner voice is clouded by mental chatter, one needs an external anchor that one trusts fully and follows, such as teachings of certain scriptures or karma yoga – selfless service to the world or bhakti yoga – complete surrender and devotion to god or higher Self. 

Many a times, people have told me that they are unable to quieten the mind and yet, they do not trust the process of following karma yoga or bhakti yoga. They need another way in. My answer to that is that – if you are at a place where you are questioning your cultural beliefs, then perhaps, you are ready to sift through the mental chatter and what is lacking is effort and intention to find the inner voice. An inner voice can guide us and hold us steady even when the circumstances are challenging and thus, help us grow by shedding our fears.

Practises to develop a sense of self:

• Introspection when we feel disturbed or triggered to find out what is the real cause behind it. Often, it is an unmet need or a fear of something
• Regular self-reflection to understand what is important for us and why; and what it takes for our personal development
• Pranayama and meditation to calm the mind and clear the noise
• Intimate conversations with a partner or a friend to explore our inner thoughts and feelings
• Working with an experienced Coach to help yourself in personal development