Humanity dealt with a complex problem in 2020 when Covid struck the world. All of us regardless of age, economic status, nationality were affected by the precautionary measures in the form of lockdowns, social distancing, masked faces. People living alone were not been able to cope with social isolation. Even those living with family were overstretched in supporting family members. Anxiety increased across ages and continues till date.

There has not been another time in the last 75 years where lack of social support became so evident. As we have moved away from living in large families to living in nuclear families, elderly couples are left with each other because their children have jobs in other cities or other countries. Adults in their 30s/40s have to manage both careers and kids without having other family members around them to support. Younger adults who have moved to new cities for higher education or for jobs are left vulnerable without having anyone to guide them or reassure them.  

What makes socialisation so pertinent to humans? If we look at other primates, they live in groups with clear hierarchies and roles. The group gives safety, belonging and wards off threats. Humans need social relationships to grow and contribute to the world. As children develop, socialization helps them understand social and cultural norms and aids in their personal development. In adulthood, social bonds help with good physical and mental health,  provide emotional support, support crisis management, give meaning and purpose. Poor social bonds can do the opposite and induce poor physical and mental health, loneliness and hopelessness. Quality is indeed more important than quantity.

We have social media to help us connect to more people and in faster ways. However, social media does not give us the social support that we need. It creates an illusion of knowing more people but none of who we can call as friends or family that will be there for us in times of need. 

What is the social solution to such a predicament? I propose two systems to help people cope with loneliness during difficult times as well as to maintain a healthy social life. The first system is called personal support system for adults over 22 years of age. A support system is a group of people that understand you, wish the best for you and show up when you need them to show up. The group might consist of family members, friends, colleagues, mentors and coaches. Why is it a group and not a BFF or a spouse? It is not just impractical for one person to fulfil another’s support needs, it is ,also, mentally and emotionally exhausting if we are called to be the sole support system to a family member or a friend.  

We can build such a support system by investing in the right set of relationships with friends, family and colleagues where there is no hidden agenda other than to bond and support each other. Sometimes the relationship might hit a rough patch, we have to consciously work through the rough patch or we will loose a mutual support system. Is there a magic number to how many form this support system? I do not know. I suspect that any number going into double digits will suffer from dilution of the bond. It is quite natural for strangers to help others and express sympathy or empathy. However, I wouldn’t count them to be part of the personal support system. 

In a more professional relationship with a coach or a mentor, the relationship is defined by professional ethics. Some of these professional relationships might change to a long term support system where a conscious effort is needed to keep the relationship pristine.

The second type of support system is called community support system. With a breakdown of joint families and geographical distances from ethnic communities such as those in villages or small towns, we have a need to belong to a larger community.  This can be at the residential level where a group of residents form a community or at a neighbourhood level where a group of neighbours in the same locality form a community or at a community based on interests or skills. Social media groups could appear to be the same as these communities. However, social media support groups formed during crisis management end when the crisis subsides. The long term social media groups have a different purpose to intellectually stimulate each other or entertain each other.  

What is then different about community support system? The community provides belonging and cares for its members. It is available to support the members in need by pooling resources and by providing a helping hand or two in the times of need. The members may not be thick as in a personal 1-1 relationship. They have a thick affiliation to the community and feel loyal to it. It makes them want to be a guardian of the community. How do we form these communities? I would start locally within the same geography either based on interests or residential proximity or a combination of both. Some apartments do have such formal communities. However, it becomes a community to support the governing body of the building than a real community that looks out for its residents beyond legal requirements. It is worthwhile to explore the concept of intentional communities.

Of the two support systems, it might be best to start with the personal support system at an individual level. Some tips of forming and maintaining  a support system:

• Be genuine in your relationships to form a bond and not a relationship of give/take transaction
• Be mindful of the other’s availability and respectful of their space – mental, physical, financial. A lot of people think that it’s ok to vent into someone’s WhatsApp chat window. If it happens far too often, you are taking the other person for granted
• It takes two hands to clap and two people to maintain a relationship. Sometimes one does a bit more than the other to balance like in a see saw. In the end, it takes two to hold it steady in a balance
• A family association by genes or marriage doesn’t give you a right to demand things from the other. You nurture the relationship for it to be a real bond
• Show up – it might be for an important occasion or in their darkest hour or in their joy. Show up and stick around
• Be in it for the long run. The bonds do get better and deeper with time. Even if you meet just once or twice a year, technology has made it possible to keep in touch and show up

Habits to form a connection to the world around you:

• Do something for nothing at least a few times a week. It might be for a family member or a friend or a stranger. Do an act without an expectation of reciprocation of any kind
• Get some sun and walk barefoot on the soil. Gaze at the horizon or at the greenery 
• Express gratitude verbally or written when someone does something nice for you 
• Play – with a pet or a child or a partner or a friend or by yourself
• Use your hands to make something – cooking or creating